Over the last decade, BMW hasn’t shown much reluctance to pack new technology into their cars, and it appears the next-generation 3 Series will be no exception. According to Inside Line, the 2013 BMW 3 Series will boast a plethora of complex tech features designed to “improve” numerous aspects of the driving experience.

Will the car take an active role in overprotecting me? Why, yes! The 3 will reportedly offer AMULETT transponder detection, so it will sense any child who’s been tagged by his/her parents and dart out of the way. The BMW will keep an eye out for other cars, too; 360 degree laser sensors will supposedly monitor vehicles around the 3 Series, so if you come too close, the car will steer itself away. (Not sure what’ll happen if the only way to avoid a small child is to drive into another lane busy with traffic.)

Enough safety—what about convenience? Well, the 3 Series will purportedly offer an Autopark feature for narrow spaces; align the car with the space, climb out, and back it into the spot using the key. (This is reportedly illegal in much of the world; a shame, since we kind of want to see just how you drive the car with a key fob.)

But this the 21st century—when our phones are our computers and our computers are our TVs! What can the 3 Series do that a car was never designed to do? Glad you asked. According to the report, the 2013 3 Series will display your email on the dash monitor and read it aloud to you; should you need to dash off a quick reply while on the go, it’ll respond to voice commands.

At a stoplight, the car will supposedly chat with the traffic light in order to learn how long until it turns green; while you’re stopped, though, you’ll be able to play a quick game or check the sports scores on the screen. The car’s nav system will reportedly map out the most fuel-efficient route, or inform your phone that traffic is so bad you should take the subway instead. Call us old-fashioned, but we don’t think any car should be encouraging us not to drive it. Especially not a BMW. [via Inside Line]

(Pictured: The BMW E30 M3, for reasons we find pretty self-explanatory if you feel the same way we do after reading this article.)