0-60 Magazine

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BY: Matt T.

Ohio

A thorn in the side of everyone on the road.

Hey Ohio, guess what? You suck. Sure, as whole, Indiana sucks waaay harder (for non-automotive reasons) and yes, you're home to the Montgomery Inn (seriously, some of the best ribs you'll ever eat) but you’re still a disappointment. Why you ask? Because you’re a state that has a ridiculously rich and vibrant car culture—you’re home to the Goodguys car show for cryin’ out loud—and yet you hop on board the failboat when it's time to drive! Being home to fun loving car and motorcycle enthusiasts means there are certain standards that folks like myself are going to hold you to. If you don't like it, tough. But just how are you such a horrible letdown? Because it has grown quite apparent that none of you can drive. I’m dead serious. Some people will tell you to never use the word hate because it’s so strong. Well I say the same thing about using the word every. Why? Because you better be 100% correct in what you’re saying when you use it. And I’m going to use it now. EVERY time I come up behind some putz on the highways and byways of this fair land and they’re pushing an Ohio license plate, they’re driving like a moron. 8 out of 10 times, it’s a dilapidated Dodge Caravan, loaded to the roof with knick-knacks and garbage bags full of who knows what with some brain dead Ohioan behind the wheel, doing 52 mph in the left hand lane of a 65 zone. IDIOT! Besides being a hazard to yourself and whatever occupants you might be carrying with you—hidden behind the 400lbs of garbage—you’re also putting everyone else at risk. You don’t belong in the left lane! Hell, you don’t belong on the highway. Do us all a favor and try to find that pedal located all the way to the right of your footwell. That’s the gas, use it. You know what’s even worse? When that same Caravan is driving next to a Semi while traveling uphill. Time seems to stop at that point. It feels as if no one is going anywhere. An example of the usual culprit Now you’d think that this malady would pretty much be confined to within the borders of Ohio–and you’d be wrong. Having grown up in Western PA, no more than a 40 minute drive from the Suckeye state, I can attest to the fact that it appears that Ohio sends their very worst wheelmen (and wheelwomen) out onto the roads as ambassadors of ill will. I can be traveling anywhere on the Eastern seaboard, come up upon a glut of cars moving slowly on the highway, blindly assume that it’s some car with Ohio plates causing the hang-up and be correct. These same travelers are also undaunted by the rising fuel costs. Apparently that 2.5l with 300,000 miles on it is getting brilliant economy these days. So there you have it, something that truly grinds my gears. I hate Ohio drivers and their cars. Do they drive the way they do because of the insanely fierce patrolling of their State Police or is it from lead in the water supply? I’m not willing to drive into the state to find out. -— M.T.
COMMENTS
  • TBrumm says:
    June 12, 2008 at 1:21 pm
    Reply

    Being from Indiana and going to school in Ohio I can only offer this. Amen.

  • Ben says:
    June 12, 2008 at 3:50 pm
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    now that sir, is a proper rant! good show old boy!

  • Emerson says:
    June 12, 2008 at 7:08 pm
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    Ohio is pretty miserable to drive through.. I really HATE Hartford CT though..

  • mcseanerson says:
    June 13, 2008 at 5:44 am
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    After having lived in Ohio for the last four years and moving back to Tampa in February I can say the biggest thing I miss are the roads. I'm thankful to be away from drivers doing 45 in the 55 on a sunny day who decide when freezing rain rolls through it's time to do 75 and get pissed if anyone else is driving a sane speed. On the other hand though coming back to Florida's flat cornerless roads I miss driving roads that were so insane I found myself lifting a wheel in a ford aspire doing 55. I won't miss the drivers but I sure miss the backroads.

  • matt says:
    June 13, 2008 at 10:00 am
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    Oh man, Hartford. If it's not the pot holes and drivers without licenses it's the random gunfire.

  • TSennett says:
    June 16, 2008 at 8:26 am
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    Matt- I don't think you should pick on Ohio - there are plenty of other candidates. I need your direct email - may have something you would be interested in - and yes it about the magazine.

  • steve says:
    June 16, 2008 at 11:08 pm
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    i fuckin hate people that use the word "putz"

  • Emily Chebetar says:
    June 17, 2008 at 9:47 am
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    Matt- this is totally unrelated- call me (or call Jason and get my # to call me) to discuss the weekend of July 12th. -em

  • DanicaLuvr says:
    June 17, 2008 at 6:33 pm
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    no way, ohio rules!

  • Avisciciulli says:
    June 22, 2008 at 5:38 am
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    Ohio sounds an awful lot like Massachusetts drivers. Fly like a bat out of hell in there own state, and then go horribly slow out of state. The real death wish drivers in NY seem to be those with Ontario plates. *Every* time, without fail...

  • topspeedguy says:
    June 26, 2008 at 11:39 am
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    this website sucks.

  • Ry_Trapp0 says:
    June 27, 2008 at 3:19 am
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    dude, i gotta live in this God forsaken place!!! we moved over here when i was 7 from indiana(dad was in the army), so we travel a lot visiting family. the difference is night and day! it truly is amazing how terrible the drivers are here. being the broke college student that i am, i drive a beat ass 1.6l geo tracker(atleast its not a METRO) and i dont know if i should be amazed at how fast this thing must be, or astonished by how SLOW the other drivers around me are! i really feel like im driving a vette every time i get on the road! ok, i'll just end my rant here.

  • Adam says:
    June 27, 2008 at 6:00 pm
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    Your are right, i have lived in ohio my whole life and it sucks to drive here. I use to love to drive here we have some of the best roads in the U.S.A.. There is an area known as Hocking Hills that offers the best curved/hilly roads there are. Car and Driver do a lot of roadtests there and on any given day you can see Porsches, Ferraris, and any other high performance machine there. On the flipside you almost always get stuck behind the blue hair express, someone old enough to remember when there were no cars on the road and cannot see fit to drive over 25mph. That is a price to pay for living around people who do not know to say when.

  • Scott Feeney says:
    July 1, 2008 at 11:21 am
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    Say what you want but we don't have emission checks so every one on the west coast and east coast can suck it, The Mid-West is where it is at, Adam says it best.

  • Mick says:
    July 3, 2008 at 2:09 pm
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    I moved to Indiana from Missouri and I will have to say that while Indiana sucks, Ohio is definitely the Suckeye state when it comes to drivers. I will have to blame a large portion of it on those revenuers the call state police writing tickets to anyone who does 60 mph or more. A friend of mine was shot in the leg while driving on 70 a little over 4 years ago, turns out it was a sniper who was finally fed up with all the idiot drivers over there and was taking pot shots. Excellent rant. I'll forward you topics and laugh my ass off as you run with them.

  • Pat Daly says:
    July 9, 2008 at 6:21 pm
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    Ohio is the definition of sucking. The state solely responsible for the last 8 years of political failure, and the state that is home to the black hole that is known as Akron. Congratulations Scott Freeney on your brain trust comment, praising your home state for not having emission checks, maybe that is why your state is so sucky. Unfortunately I have to drive through Ohio to get to college in Michigan and sadly nobody has built a bridge over Ohio (except for that one called Ontario but that place sucks too) and I'm forced to drive on highways built specifically for state troopers to hide and nab you for trying to get out of their state as fast as you can. There are a number of other reasons why Ohio sucks, Ohio State being one of them and their ferocious mascot named Brutus the Buckeye, did you really name your nut Brutus? Luckily I was raised on the East Coast with emissions testing so I haven't fallen victim to giving gladiatorial names to each of my nuts and being home to the Cincinnati Bengals and other things that suck.

  • Mike says:
    July 26, 2008 at 4:18 pm
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    Solely responsible for 8 years of political failure? How about you just drive your whiney liberal ass around our state? The reason that you get pulled over is because you go to school in Michigan. Our State Troopers aren't stupid, they know who to get revenue from. Nuff said.

  • e.b. says:
    July 31, 2008 at 10:41 am
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    The roads in ohio are flat and smooth for the most part, and yes, the generally accepted driving style is "herd of cattle", but if you've logged any seat time in any roadgoing vehicle with some power, you should know to treat your fellow not-so-high-speed drivers like mobile parking cones. If someone's going slow, drive around them. So yeah, if you have problems driving anywhere in Ohio, then never travel to a real city, where the driving style is selfish and erratic. You won't make it out alive.

  • Eric says:
    August 4, 2008 at 10:17 pm
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    After having to commute on I70 for the past two years Matt is fairly accurate. I had the caravan scenario happen to me just this afternoon in downtown columbus. Then I got onto I70 and got stuck behind someone "only" doing 70. Well more like 68. My only thought on the matter is that inside 270, every 30 feet there is a cop, or a place for a cop. And they sit there in rush hour, as if people are going to speed when traffic is gridlocked? The only saving grace is 71 south which everyone seems to do about 80 on. Getting out of Columbus is slightly less time consuming than than walking through a corn maze of equal distance. If you leave downtown Columbus at rush hour, you can make it half way to Zanesville before you can make it 15 miles north to Dublin. It's actually faster to drive around Columbus than to drive through it. I'm not lying.

  • OhioRic says:
    August 15, 2008 at 8:09 am
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    Oh great, I am moving to Ohio in two weeks and buying my first car in three years because I have to drive some people around out there...FUCK! Of course, I learned to drive in New Jersey and I am moving to OH from Vermont, so I may end up adding to the problem.

  • Jonathan says:
    August 15, 2008 at 9:56 am
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    This is not well-researched - I grew up in Toledo, and everyone knows that Michigan drivers are the worst drivers in the country.

  • Erik says:
    August 19, 2008 at 9:21 am
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    See upstate New York for same.

  • Mike says:
    August 22, 2008 at 10:51 pm
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    The unfortunate truth, is that our little piggies use lots of laser, instead of radar, that and our friendly 'highway patrol' units tend to do roaming sweeps, and everyone just seems to sit in fear. It is kind of sad to see someone doing 70, in a 65 slow down because a cop is running laser...I remember once through Mayfield heights (great city...) there were 5 patrol cars within a mile of each other, watching both stretches of highway. We have too many rich / retard suburbs Wickliffe, Bratehnal (or however that is spelled, not worth memorizing really.) Orange, pepper pike, Lindale...get this in 2007 they had 4062 tickets written per 100 people...there are 117 people living there, I think they have one cop. We also have about 10 aircraft that write an average of 13 tickets per day, all year non stop average.

  • Alex says:
    August 26, 2008 at 9:29 pm
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    MATT! You know me, I know you... You know I lived in Ohio for 2 miserable years. I sing your praises on a louder level for using your position of (sightly above average) influence to inform folks who may be ignorant of the situation in Ohio. It's a haggard cesspool of rude folks that learned to drive playing "Crusin America" at the skating rink on Saturday nights in their early teens. Silly Flatlanders and their complete ignorance of the meaning of the yield sign... I bid you farewell...

  • Patrick says:
    August 26, 2008 at 10:55 pm
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    Also living in Western PA my whole life, and travelling through the state that's hi in the middle and round on both ends QUITE frequently, I must say that Ohio is truly the worst state in the Union to drive through. Magnificent roads cluster f'ed by a state with NO emissions, inspection, or insurance requirements. This has left the state the driving equivalent of a mental institution, worthy of scenes from "Fahrenheit 451", and in some cases "Deliverance". Ah, yes, the absolute joy of being behind a car with completely red tinted windows, missing a bumper, the driver missing a chromosome or two, on 4 mismatched bald tires and an exhuast system hanging off, all the while the under car neon kit exposing the huge holes in the body. The phenomenon I love personally is when you're on the highway (and they are nice and wide in Ohio, usually 3 lanes or more), you're cooking along nicely in the far left lane...And a kind and goodly Ohioan will move over in front of you for no apparent reason other than to slow you down. As for the Ohio State Highway Patrol? The Gestapo had a better reputation this fine agency. The troopers are unerringly polite, this I will give them, but the sheer numbers combined with aerial radar, running radar, spotter and pull over area type speed traps, etc., make the state damned near impassable. Matt, you have this pretty much dead on. As Brock Yates said in the movie "Cannonball Run"... "There is no state in the 50 that has the death penalty for speeding...Although I'm not too sure about Ohio!"

  • T. Collins says:
    August 26, 2008 at 11:53 pm
    Reply

    Wow...you hit the nail on the head. As another Pittsburgh resident, I typically encounter several Ohio drivers on my way into work. They are always in the fast lane blocking traffic and they never use their turnsignal or rearview mirrors. Any time I drive through Ohio, I wear a Nomex suit, helmet and HANS device...you have to mitigate your risks...

  • wetgloves says:
    August 27, 2008 at 7:20 am
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    I still maintain my position that the U.S. sells Ohio to Canada. Its just as worthless. At least Canada gave us hockey. Sure Ohio is the birthplace of Orville and Wilbur. But I'm guessing the real reason they were the first to fly was they were trying to find a quicker way to leave their home state.

  • Don says:
    September 12, 2008 at 6:50 am
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    LOL at this whole article! I think it's awesome and completely true. I live in southern Ohio and have to drive to MI every 6 months for school. The trek up I-75 is horrible every time. I drive an 04 GTO which seems to be really good at gobbling up highway miles at stupid speeds, which I do quite frequently in Michigan. But in Ohio I'm relegated to 70 mph for fear of the airborn, ground, and water based Gestapo known as the OSP. They are constantly setting up speed traps, airborne clocking traps, and other random things. The other problem is that they always use laser or LIDAR. No way around that, especially since many like to sit at the top of on-ramps and laser your rear bumper. You'll never see them until they are behind you with lights on. Another thing, I live in Ohio, but my parents were raised in Indiana. I'm pretty sure I'm the only person that gets pissed off in Ohio when someone is slowing traffic to a crawl because they don't want to go any higher than 65 mph (that's how I've gotten my last two tickets, passing these morons) and never move over. It's almost a joyous occasion when I stumble upon a vehicle with Michigan plates because, sure enough, I can get behind them and hide as we cruise around the 75 to 80 mph range through Ohio. Lol, these same Michigan drivers are GREAT once out of Ohio. They move over when you are coming up behind them at a higher rate of speed! I know that if traffic is backed up, there are two Ohio drivers in front of everyone. I can't wait to get out of this Nazi, horrible driver state. But the backroads are REALLY nice down south. : ) /rant

  • puntbottoms says:
    September 14, 2008 at 1:58 pm
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    omg! agreed, motoring through hoe-hi-hoe isnt the only thing wrong, the people are just ignorant in every sensible way

  • Phil says:
    September 30, 2008 at 8:31 am
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    High Fives to this Group and their comments. Patrick, you rock..."Gestapo had a better reputation than this fine agency-LOL!" I/we've travelled back and forth through Ohio for years...both as an NCR employee and to visit our parents in Michigan(we moved to Georgia 13 years ago). Ohio has some awesome roads and country...it's really nice...until, that is, the wheels hit I-75 and encounter the Barney Fifers with Lasers and the Goober Drivers. That along with the two lanes that give trucks the right to pass, but often create a slower parade. Worst... Ohio has the most INCREDIBLE tradition dating back to 1760..no, maybe 1890, sorry.... of placing their officers on I-75 and pulling down vehicles that exceed 65MPH. Most drivers from Michigan or from the other states agree driving I-75 is fine, til they encounter-O H I O ! I-75 is improving throughout all the states, but I wouldn't count on Ohio coming out of the dark ages, anytime soon! And by the way....it does suck...and that's being nice about it! Great rants, everyone...made my day!

  • DR 'Tard says:
    October 8, 2008 at 2:45 am
    Reply

    Oh wow, I loved this magazine before, but holy shit! I had to visit a friend about a month ago on our way to see the Indy MotoGP, and by the time we got back to Cincinatti "Hurricane" Ike had come through and it was like the end of the fucking world for all native motorists. Nobody could efficiently four-way stop at light-less intersections. Isn't that the most basic of rules taught when driving?! Seriously Ohio has the worst drivers in the U.S. but what would you expect from a state that has Road Sodas (beers for the road) and Party Plates (special bright red license plates given to convicted D.U.I. offenders). Needless to say my friend can't wait to come back to California.

  • t jameson says:
    October 9, 2008 at 8:23 am
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    Working on website: Working Mothers against troopers. If you barely speed in Ohio,they will catch you in their tag team approach.If you see one,guaranteed you'll see 5 troopers. It seems their favorite target is Sunday after church drivers and working moms who don't have the cash to pay the enormous fines. They don't give warnings either. Guess kid will do without nintendo for birthday so I can work a whole weekend to pay my fine.Can't wait to get back to NC where they only pull over reckless drivers. Maybe you should relocate.

  • bj says:
    October 9, 2008 at 8:27 am
    Reply

    I'LL DRIVE FASTER WHEN CONGRESS BAILSOUT MY SPEEDING TICKETS!

  • Tim says:
    December 15, 2008 at 7:15 am
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    Is it me, or is there a ghost image of G.W. Bush imposed in the pic of Ohio?

  • FBK says:
    February 27, 2012 at 10:09 pm
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    I am a native Ohioan. I can drive. Really well. Fast. Have done 90 in a 65mph crosswind in a Buick Electra ESTATE WAGON...did a complete 360 when i hit a patch of black ice on 70...and kept going. I say all that to say the following: Best idea for driving through Ohio? Drive offensively. Don't get on a bumper (most folks slow down when you do that)...Ohioans as a whole have a general sense that you want to go faster than they're going...reverse the mindset-back off, get some running room...THREAD THE NEEDLE. I just wonder, are you from Detroit? If not, go there, those folks may not know how to drive, but they go...and GO...FAST. I LOVE IT.

  • Rob says:
    November 14, 2012 at 6:11 pm
    Reply

    I live in Michigan and I will back you up on the assholes from Ohio. However, the Ohioans that invade Michigan drive like we're here for their pleasure. I can't tell you how many times I get passed doing 80 like I'm standing still by some asshat from Ohio. All of my worst road rage car fights have been with people from Ohio. Seriously, Ohio needs to be walled in.

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