Hey Ohio, guess what? You suck. Sure, as whole, Indiana sucks waaay harder (for non-automotive reasons) and yes, you’re home to the Montgomery Inn (seriously, some of the best ribs you’ll ever eat) but you’re still a disappointment. Why you ask? Because you’re a state that has a ridiculously rich and vibrant car culture—you’re home to the Goodguys car show for cryin’ out loud—and yet you hop on board the failboat when it’s time to drive! Being home to fun loving car and motorcycle enthusiasts means there are certain standards that folks like myself are going to hold you to. If you don’t like it, tough.
But just how are you such a horrible letdown? Because it has grown quite apparent that none of you can drive. I’m dead serious. Some people will tell you to never use the word hate because it’s so strong. Well I say the same thing about using the word every. Why? Because you better be 100% correct in what you’re saying when you use it. And I’m going to use it now. EVERY time I come up behind some putz on the highways and byways of this fair land and they’re pushing an Ohio license plate, they’re driving like a moron. 8 out of 10 times, it’s a dilapidated Dodge Caravan, loaded to the roof with knick-knacks and garbage bags full of who knows what with some brain dead Ohioan behind the wheel, doing 52 mph in the left hand lane of a 65 zone. IDIOT! Besides being a hazard to yourself and whatever occupants you might be carrying with you—hidden behind the 400lbs of garbage—you’re also putting everyone else at risk. You don’t belong in the left lane! Hell, you don’t belong on the highway.
Do us all a favor and try to find that pedal located all the way to the right of your footwell. That’s the gas, use it. You know what’s even worse? When that same Caravan is driving next to a Semi while traveling uphill. Time seems to stop at that point. It feels as if no one is going anywhere.
Now you’d think that this malady would pretty much be confined to within the borders of Ohio–and you’d be wrong. Having grown up in Western PA, no more than a 40 minute drive from the Suckeye state, I can attest to the fact that it appears that Ohio sends their very worst wheelmen (and wheelwomen) out onto the roads as ambassadors of ill will. I can be traveling anywhere on the Eastern seaboard, come up upon a glut of cars moving slowly on the highway, blindly assume that it’s some car with Ohio plates causing the hang-up and be correct. These same travelers are also undaunted by the rising fuel costs. Apparently that 2.5l with 300,000 miles on it is getting brilliant economy these days.
So there you have it, something that truly grinds my gears. I hate Ohio drivers and their cars. Do they drive the way they do because of the insanely fierce patrolling of their State Police or is it from lead in the water supply? I’m not willing to drive into the state to find out. -— M.T.